For those that really know me, it comes as no surprise when I take on yet another task. Recently, I took on the role of an adjunct professor at a local university. While the opportunity didn't come at the most ideal time in our lives... it was a blessing that I simply could not pass up. Currently, I'm a therapist for sexual assault and domestic violence survivors. Currently I'm a mom of 2 babies (22 months and 4 months old). Currently I am the wife of the love of my life. Currently I'm a sister, sister-in-law, Aunt, daughter, and friend. Currently I am working on my dissertation that I soooo hope to complete by next year. And now to add to my list of "currently's" I am "professor" to 47 nursing students. On paper, this seems exceptionally overwhelming. In real life... it is exceptionally overwhelming. But only at times.
People often ask me how I have the energy to wear so many hats. I usually (half jokingly) remind people that the biggest perk of having ADHD is that I am a natural ball of energy. I'm good at being creative with my time and killing two birds with one stone. I am very meticulous in most of the things that I do. My husband calls me "obsessive" about a lot of our household chores and still, 8 years after meeting me, cannot understand how my "relaxing time" can be spent cleaning, sorting, and writing. For me, those are just my coping skills. I very much live by the proverb "idle hands are the devil's workshop". He very much lives by the opposite. And I prefer it that way. I could not live my life with somebody who is as busy as I like to be, obsessive as I want to be, and meticulous as I need to be. Too many fights would erupt if I married a "me". My husband keeps me very grounded. My boys keep me on my toes and give me a sense of peace all at once. My family balances me out and help me to laugh at my quirks. I, however, keep myself organized so that I can enjoy every little bit of each of their roles in my life.
So, how do I do it? I plan. I schedule. I plan in a scheduler. In order to enjoy what little down time I have (which is between the times that I pick the boys up from daycare and when I put them to bed), I have to know a general idea of what's to come that night. I'm very predictable. Shamefully to admit, I would be the easiest victim of a stalker. Monday nights, I get out of the house after the boys go to bed because those are my "dissertation" nights. Tuesdays I teach class. Wednesdays I grade papers and tests. Thursdays and Fridays I clean and tidy (I tidy every day but Thursdays and Fridays are spent more often at home), Saturdays and Sundays are my family days (and nap-time deep cleaning days). My goal is to finish my dissertation without leaving my boys while they're awake... I want them to never know I was gone. I want their futures to be secure before they reach kindergarten and the only way that I can do this is to be strict on myself, work hard now, play hard later.
This is not to say I don't have my share of fun... I often am found "tiki'ing" with friends and with my husband. There's nothing more that I enjoy than to be around those that I love. I wish I could say I had a strong desire to travel the world and see the sights... I don't. Not yet at least. Reflecting on why I believe that half of it is my young age and the other half is that there is no mode of transportation that can get me somewhere desirable in the split second that I want to be there. I'm very patient in my studies and in my career. I'm very patient in my home life. I am not so patient as a traveler. So many people have encouraged me to take the road trips and flights as "journeys" along the path of getting to my destination. Well, my personality kind of disputes that. My journey begins when I get to my destination. The one thing I want to do when I get somewhere is to socialize with who I am there with. And, to be honest, with what little down time I currently have, I simply am much too selfish with my time to spend it in a car or plane. Give me the laughs, the hugs, the conversations, the deep heated debates. Give me the cuddles with my boys and the firsts with them and with our family. All of those things in my journey are here at home. For the same reason, I am very guilty of not cooking as often as I probably should. I don't want to waste those couple hours preparing food and cleaning up my mess when they can be spent with the ones that I love...
That all said... I have an end in sight. A light at the end of the tunnel, if you will. I am such a goal focused individual that I know, for a fact, that when I'm done with school I can relax. I do relax now but in a different type of way. School is also therapeutic for me. I simply enjoy learning new things. I especially love discussing those new things with people and teaching others what I THINK I know. I am not one for a whole lot of instant gratification (unless food is involved, but that's a topic for a different day). I receive great joy in knowing that, today, I became one step closer to achieving my goals... Today I became one step closer to a financially secure life for my little guys. My "type A" personality makes it difficult for me to understand when people postpone the inevitable. I guess my motto really is "if you want to do something and have the resources to do it, do it now so you can enjoy it later."
Life for me is a series of incredible moments and even if I die today I know that I will be on my death bed happily reflecting on the difference that I made in my own life and the lives of my loved ones... particularly my boys (husband included). I like to hope that I could also believe I have made a positive impact on one or two people outside of my circle of friends and family. But ultimately I know that every day I strive to do the absolute best that I can to make life the greatest it can be... for me and my loved ones. I don't disagree when others have a different take on what life is all about... but for me, this is happiness. Holding my children, loving my husband and family, bringing knowledge to others, encouraging those who don't have it quite as easy as I have it. Being proud of the adversities that I have overcome, never knowing that I had the strength to do so until I had to.
Speaking of obsessive, I stared at that last sentence for several minutes conjuring up a way to not end it in a preposition... that's one of many things that I have to let go of today. It is what it is.
And now, I am off of my soap box.
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